I've decided to blog here temporarily, because my livejournal's been dead for more than almost a month now. I feel like crap now, rotten to the max & down to the extreme. I can't believe I just can't be as strong as I want to be. This is the n(th) time I've broken down for the entire month after promos ended, & I've decided to finally write it down somewhere to vent everything once & for all. My mum makes me feel like crap, & it doesn't help that she seems to give in to my brother & sister much more than she does to me. I know I sound stupid & immature, since I'm the eldest child & I Should Be More Understanding. Still, there's no need to demean me like I'm worthless. I mean, I've been trying to hold myself back whenever she becomes unreasonable, but there are times when the emotions threaten to burst at the seams & I can't help but explode at her. Y'know, like, "haven't you had enough of this" & words like that. I'm tired, really, I am. I try not to cry, but I always fail. Always. I wish I could be stronger, no matter how stupid & ridiculously cliche it sounds. I feel worthless, & it gets hard trying to fight the urge to just hit myself somewhere to get rid of the sourness inside my heart. I don't know how long fights like these are gonna continue throughout my life, cos I'm not certain I can continue getting used to it. Physical pain don't matter anymore, y'know? Emotional pain hurts so much more. I just wish I had a better temper, be ridiculously gentle understanding submissive and all that kind of crap she wants in a daughter. She never seems to understand that I'll never be like that, & I'll never change myself to be like that.
I don't know if it's just me, or it really is that I've become defensive really easily. I tend to snap at people, or feel just a little too disappointed & all when I don't do things right, or when people undermine me. Damn, it's probably a result of all that criticising & demeaning since young. It sucks when your parents don't have faith in you, y'know that? You just gotta find all that back yourself.
I hate crying, because it's pathetic. Really.
& it makes me wonder if anyone'd feel a genuine sense of loss if I ever left this ugly, fake world.
